Home MLB Out of Left Field: The REAL unwritten rules of baseball

Out of Left Field: The REAL unwritten rules of baseball

by Steve Keene

MlbHlSqIt seems this week is all about everything unwritten. Post-election, there’s been plenty of talk about Britain’s unwritten constitution. And as Matt pointed out on Friday, in baseball, the talk is all about the unwritten rules, following Alex Rodriguez running across Dallas Braden’s pitching mound. I decided to get in the spirit of things, by attempting an unwritten column. However, that didn’t seem to work so well, and so later than advertised, here is this week’s Out of Left Field.

Being the relentless investigative journalist that I am, I have uncovered the REAL unwritten rules of baseball, all handily illustrated this week…

  1. Don’t have a complete and total meltdown on live television, like Bruce Drennan, following the Indians defeat to the Blue Jays
  2. Don’t let yourself get tagged out between second and third when you mistakenly think you’ve scored a home run, like the wonderfully monikered Lastings Milledge
  3. Don’t run on the field, and perhaps more importantly, don’t get yourself tasered, like this rather dumb Phillies fan
  4. Don’t then be the second Phillies fan to run on the field in a week, particularly if you are already in possession of illegal drugs and terrible trousers
  5. Don’t kick a chair after blowing a save, breaking your toe and ruling you out for eight weeks, just as the rival for your spot returns from the DL, like Ryan Madson
  6. Don’t be mean to Hank Aaron. Even if you are Willie Mays
  7. Don’t be a Yankees fan, but DO be a Mets fan, it is a lot more fun. You’re more likely to have a wife, drink beer and are less prone to worry. You are more likely to own a gun, though. Which is a worry
  8. Don’t fall victim to terrible fashion choices
  9. Don’t take the day off to win a $1 million video game contest. You just won’t need to, asm you’ll still win the prize that afternoon, after playing the game for just an hour and a half
  10. And on a more serious note…Don’t go to Arizona, until they withdraw their anti-immigrant legislation

Let me know what you think, or if you reckon there are more that need adding. In the meantime, I’ll try to follow the unwritten rules of column writing: Don’t rely on easy list-making exercises and Don’t file your column late week after week

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Matt Smith May 10, 2010 - 10:12 pm

“Oh god, we STINK!”. There’s no danger of Drennan sugar coating over Cleveland’s problems.

I love the bit at 2.10 when he’s talking about the Tribe’s starting pitching. “Just think if THEY go south …” and he stares at the camera in a way that’s hard to describe. And then there’s his balletic demonstration of Russell Branyan’s swing. Not to mention the bit from 4mins in when he starts ranting about the Tribe’s Matt LaPorta NOT being charged with an error.

TV comedy gold, right there!

Mark George May 11, 2010 - 9:52 am

I hadn’t heard about Drennan’s meltdown but am glad I watched it. Maybe the Indians should lecture him in the same way on getting his finances in order, as Drennan served five months in prison in 2006 for filing false tax returns.

Steve Keene May 11, 2010 - 12:27 pm

Thanks for the comments guys. I was so pleased with the Drennan discovery. It’s a real keeper.


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