Has real baseball started yet? Spring training was fine for a while, but I’m now well and truly ready for some baseball that actually matters. I’m even getting tired of saying I’m tired of waiting for some real baseball. And I’m sure you’re getting tired or reading of people getting tired of…oh, you get the picture.
If nothing else, from Opening Day on, there will be something of substance for your faithful columnist to write about, so he will no longer have to scour the internet for the tiniest of comedy sporting scraps. So, there you have it. The baseball season needs to start already, so you good people have something of substance to read from me, rather than this blithering and blathering each week. I mean, what was last week’s post all about?
So, what have I got for you hardy souls still reading this nonsense, then? Well, I’ve tried the sex angle with ‘More Ozzie, More Knuckleballs, Added Lingerie’ and I’m sure the dirtier minds among you thought ‘Double Fantasy’ might be a little saucy. So, how about this week we go for a little violence? Think you’re ready for that, huh? Huh?
Violence (unintentional, our lawyers hasten to add) this week in spring training, as the Minnesota Twins’ Denard Span managed to hit his own mother with a foul ball. Ouch. Luckily she was fine, so we are free to bust out the hilarity guilt-free.
Span rushed to check his mother was OK straight away, so we can rule out any possible retaliation for getting grounded in his youth. However, I bet there will be some awkward scenes at the next Span family gathering. How do you deal with hitting your own mother? She should confiscate his bat, really, she should. Naughty boy.
Fancy more violence, you gorehounds? Well I’m glad you chorused “Yes! We want blood and/or guts!†as I have some further bloodshed for you, this time of the intentional variety. Jeff Francoeur is developing an interesting motivational strategy for his fellow Mets, this week revealing that, in order to help pitcher Mike Pelfrey step up his intensity, he will try the following:
“I think what I’m going to do before each start is just go up and just punch him in the face.”
Sadly, if you follow the link, that writer has already used the gag that Francouer would probably swing and miss. As a loyal Mets fan, I wouldn’t go for such a cheap joke like that. No, never. But I might suggest to Francouer that punching your team mates in the face might not be a means of getting the best out of them. However, if his season starts badly, I might encourage him, as sooner or later someone will hit him right back.
And, thinking about it, it might help the Mets on their quest for accumulating the longest disabled list in the history of baseball. Which is probably the only title they’ll win this year. Boom-tish.
On that horrible note, I think I’ll end it there. You people have suffered enough. But not for much longer folks, pretty soon there will be real, genuine baseball to soothe your pain and all will be right with the world. Until you read next week’s missive, that is. Believe me, it’s going to even more painful. With even more italics.
3 comments
Francoeur might want to extend his motivational plan to include Oliver Perez as well. If he doesn’t want to hurt his knuckles then he could always see if there are any Mets fans out there willing to do it.
Please form an orderly queue!
And, no, I don’t think you could claim punching Perez after a start counts as a motivational technique.
I feel sorry for Denard Span as I been there.
The scene me and my better half were playing catch with a baseball. Sadly my better half forgot the fundamental rule of catch the previous said ball went straight into her eye.
It was black was a major understatement she had to go into work the next day and explain that I was not ‘bashing her around’.
Also I know from experience Denard all he will hear for rest of his mother life is well you hit me with a baseball. 🙂
Russ
Russ – I feel for you! Just be careful that the next time you play catch your better half doesn’t try the Francoeur Method on you!